‘I'm Struggling’

I write this blog from the perspective of a very different world.

It is Sunday morning, the sun is shining, birds are singing, it is quiet and peaceful. Nothing ordinarily strange, it is early and the day young, except…

My blog’s intention has always been about connecting, never before has this been so important in our world. We have witnessed an extraordinary week in England: There have been stories of both the wonder and hideousness of humanity.

Like so many, I have various titles; Daughter, Mother, Grandma, Teacher, Human Being.
Each name I am proud to own, yet each of these appellations have made me weep at various intervals of solitude this week.

It seems incredulous that Friday the 20th of March 2020 was only a week ago, when so much has already changed.

This date was the day my school shut it’s gates to the vast majority of our pupils. I use the personal pronoun ‘our’ because it is personal, these young people are our community.

I am angry that COVID-19 has taken away the chance for our ‘Class of 2020’ to say their goodbyes properly, to their peers and their teachers. They have been deprived of their ‘Final Assembly’ their ‘Prom’ and their chance to say a meaningful goodbye.

I make cupcakes, I have made cupcakes for every class I have taught, to be shared in our final lesson. The last unit we studied being the play ‘Romeo and Juliet.’ I wanted to make cupcakes and to stamp the fondant icing with the immortal words “Parting is such sweet sorrow.”
However, I was unable to buys eggs due to the selfishness of others and therefore robbed of the chance, to hear them moan and groan at such a cliché, knowing that deep down, they were secretly smiling.

I have tried making eggless cupcakes, they sucked.

One of my pupils said “Miss we didn’t have time, but I know you like these.” He then produced a packet of chocolate buttons and my heart broke a little.

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As a Mother and a Human Being, it has been really difficult. I hug my girls constantly and I tell them that I love them all the time, not having that physical contact is so tough.

I have been sent videos and photos of my grandchildren, we have Face Timed and I have had the privilege of seeing and hearing my eldest grandchild Oliver read his school book. Oliver is only five years old and already shares a love of reading, hearing him sound out each word made me beam with pride.

Not being able to hug them tight is overwhelming.

I write this with my eyes full of tears and my arms aching, knowing that this feeling of wanting to hold our loved ones close, when they are so far, encompasses us all.

Despite this (to quote our Queen) “annus horribilis’ (it feels longer than a week) there have been some amazing and awesome stories of kindness, love and the best of humanity.

One being the event that took place on Thursday Evening in the UK, to hear the claps and cheers for the incredible and life saving work that every member of the NHS are tirelessly undertaking, made my heart sing.

I wept on the first clap.

The rainbows posted in windows, the out pouring of love from family, friends, colleagues and extended family.

The memes and jokes that have made me laugh when I really want to cry.

All of this has helped me, us, to cope with this surreal and deplorable situation we find ourselves in.

I have currently been posting my poetry on social media; twitter@joymlouisa and Instagram@joytugs but not the poem I am about to share.

As a teacher, it is strange to be posting lessons online and receiving messages by email and our home learning platform. I miss their faces, I miss the funny things they say, I even miss telling them to be quiet!

I was inspired by one my pupils messages, a lovely young man who finds English tricky, however after a little help he always produces wonderful work.

It was so hard not to be able to help him physically, his statement and the title of my poem, hurt my heart.

The lack of punctuation is the title is intentional, it is as the original message (for those reading in other parts of our globe and haven’t seen him on YouTube, Joe Wicks is a fitness instructor giving the nation P.E. lessons every weekday morning).

So, stay safe, positive, and indoors.

Please remember, no matter how sad you are feeling, somewhere in the world, someone feels exactly the same way as you.

There is a positive reason for this, it is because we are family, the family of mankind.

With Love,

Joy

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